Sporadic Sleep

I don't sleep. I doze. On a good night, I am physically out of bed 3 times. Last night I was physically out of bed 10 times in 8 hours.

Lina is sick. Even if she is resting peacefully, my mommy radar goes off and demands that I make sure she is okay. She has asthma, so often has a rough time of things.

I remember when Thumbelina was first born. She had to stay in the hospital for three weeks due to prematurity. I was determined to breast feed, so I had an intimate relationship with a breast pump. I set the alarm to get up and pump so my milk supply would be full and ready for her when she came home from the hospital. I remember that I literally cried in the middle of the night because I knew I would never again sleep like I did before I became a mother.

By the time Huck was born, I was so used to not sleeping that it was par for the course. I just assumed that I wouldn't sleep. I went to bed, curled up around my snuggle pillow, knowing that I would get up the first time in about an hour and a half.

It's been over 10 years, and it still isn't any better. I still curl around my snuggle pillow and assume that I will be up in about an hour and a half, and I'm usually correct. If it isn't somebody being sick, it's somebody having a bad dream or somebody just waking up and wanting their mama and crawling in the bed with me and squirming or playing with my hair. Or two somebodies doing that. Maybe my dog needs to go pee. But "the mama" is the one who hears everything and takes care of everything during the night.

Of course it is exhausting. But it is also a blessing. The instant my children awaken, they think of me and want to find me and be where I am.