This evening the role of Ozzie will be played by AZ and by Chris. The role of Harriet will also be played by both AZ and Chris.

I am the queen of Chris' world right now, and he is showing me the appropriate adulation.

In less than a month, he leaves for a 3 week solo trip to Europe. He will spend the majority of his time in Germany, but is also going to drop by a few other countries since they are a mere train ride away.

I shall toil here as a single mom with a full time job. Right now I am a part time single mom with a full time job. Chris is at Nestlewood 3 1/2 days per week and at his out of town job the other 3 1/2.

He is so grateful to me for my support in his daddy/husband sabbatical, that he is being even more considerate than usual. He's such a perfect 1950s housewife when he's home and I'm working. During the day, he goes to the gym and has coffee with friends and goes to German class at a local university. Afterwards, he will run errands and do things like buy groceries or pop by the post office.

He has a glass of wine poured and chilling for me when I walk in the door. Supper is cooking and he says cliche things to the kids like "Your mother is tired and stressed. Keep the noise level down". There are often bouquets of autumn leaves and wildflowers, freshly cut, in the kitchen when I get home. He always makes sure he has some yummy smelling candles burning.

But I'm the perfect housewife too. I made the yummy smelling candles and I plan and oversee birthday parties and weekend company for the kids. I plan for his time out of town by making soup and things that he can take with him so he doesn't have to subsist on hospital food. Also, I will put out in a New York minute even if I don't particularly want any.

I bring home the bacon and, 1/2 the week, I fry it up in a pan. So does Chris. We genderbend on a daily basis. It works for us.

The Hidden Joys of Barely Keeping Your Head Above Water

With all of this financial upheaval in the country, folks with money are getting scared. This is probably one of the biggest advantages to not having any. The other, of course, being, that you have nothing to steal.

We aren't pitiful dirt poor. Chris has a good job, making middle class (for Alabama) income, and now I have one too, assuming I get to keep it after my 90 day evaluation. I drive a 7 year old car, Chris drives a 10 year old truck and we have a 22 year old house. We don't have a savings account (scandalous, I know), none of us are label 'hos, so we're all okay that we get by on less than $40 bucks an outfit (less for the kids since we have so many friends and family with children older than ours who hand stuff down to us). We are the type of people who will happily spend money on travel, but will keep our furniture and electronics until they let out a weak squeal before they give up the ghost. We do have a 401K, and I'm sure it's looking pretty thin today, but I trust this country enough to know that it will recover, so I'm not really worried. I trust it so much that, after my 90 day evaluation, when I am eligible, I will start a 401K of my own.

Financial straights are relative. Compared to some, we are filthy stinkin' rich, for the simple reason that we aren't on welfare (though we have been before). Compared to others, our financial situation is so precarious they would need to be in the psyche ward to cope with it.

For the most part, I figure as long as we aren't lazy and are willing to work, and as long as we aren't selfish and are willing to give back, everything will work out in the end.

More Poetry from Huckleberry

Sing this to the tune of R. Kelly's "I Believe I Can Fly"

I believed I could fly
But I got shot by the FBI
All I wanted was a chicken wing
That I could get from Burger King

This was waiting for me in the backyard when I got home from work today!

Every year Chris gives me a Happy Fall gift, but this year he really outdid himself. The kids wanted to be a part of the gift too, so they made me a sign in autumn colors.

I have the best family in the world.

Twice in Three Days...

Chris has a subscription to Men's Health (how gay is he, I ask you?) Lo and behold when I saw it while looking through the mail today, who was on the cover? My very own Gerry Butler! Mineminemineminemine.

I actually gasped when I saw it. Lina and Huck were doing homework in the living room, heard my sharp intake of breath and asked me what was wrong. Naturally, I had to take the magazine to them and show them exactly why I gasped. They are so used to my obsessive neurosis that they just rolled their eyes and got back to their homework.

Chris is so sweet. When I told him about my reaction he said I could keep that issue for my very own. I could even keep it under the mattress where all the other special stuff...nevermind, that's personal.

The Rediscovery of Saturday

Before I was a college student, candlemaking homemaker, I was a bartender or a waitress. For about 5 years I worked at various hotel bars, myriad Cracker Barrels, Ruby Tuesday's, Applebee's and the local restaurant my mom used to run, but mainly for the restaurant designed for the seafood lover in you, Red Lobster. This means from 1994 until, well, today, Saturday wasn't an official day off work. As a homemaker I just took care of stuff as it needed to be addressed. As a candlemaker, the day of the week didn't mean anything; if I had an order to fill, I did it. As a bartender or waitress, of course, Saturday was my most exhausting of the week. My feet would almost be numb from the pain by the time I got home from work, and to this day, I have the varicose veins in my legs to show for all those hours.

Now, though, I get to feel like I am part of the demographic for which restaurant commercials are made. You know, the "You've worked hard all week so come in to some drinks and good food at _______ restaurant chain." It's a pretty cool feeling.

Of course, I am not actually going to go to one of those restaurants tonight because that would involve getting out of my jammies and actually cranking the car, which I have vowed I will not do today. Tomorrow will be my errand day. Since most people here in the Bible Belt spend their Sundays in church and I don't, it means I can be in and out of the grocery store in about 30 minutes. Then I can come home and do more of my favorite thing of all, jackshit, until Monday morning when I go back to my wonderful job.

But today, I will read, watch some Charmed, stitch and play with my iPod.

My Redneck past is nipping at my heels

So, I'm doing my part in the lettuce, water and exercise thing by taking my power walk/jog on the gravel road on which 4 families (including mine), many goats, dogs, cats and chickens live. I often do this, and have done for lo, these many years. Apparently, the chickens have had enough of me.

I'm no stranger to chickens, having kept 17 of our own right here at Nestlewood. But all the stray dogs, weasels and fox around here polished them off for their morning or afternoon meals one by one, and we decided not to get anymore because Chris is a freak about the bird flu (don't ask).

There are always a couple of roosters who flap their wings at me while I walk and do their "Rrrr-rr-rrr-rrrrr". (Roosters do not say cocka doodle doo. I have no idea from whence this legend came) I always ignore the roosters because I know how they can be. They all have Little Man Syndrome, with the one who is not the dominant in the flock being especially touchy. He wants to prove his cockiness at every opportunity.

I am walking, and he crows at me, but I'm used to this. This time, just to be friendly and to let him know that I think he is just as manly as the rooster who is servicing all the hens up the gravel road, I said "Hi chick chick". Oh, my Mother Teresa in diamonds and fur!!! He came after my ass! He raised up his wings ( to get better aerodynamics I suppose) and ran his little rooster legs as fast as they would go. I started running full out, screaming and running! I'm halfway thinking about my Red Belt in Tung Soo Do and that surely I can take him out, but I'm just too scared to stop running and get into an effective front stance. Every time I would glance over my shoulder (while still running and screaming) that Mother Scratcher would still be chasing me!

Tomorrow, when I take my walk, I'm either taking a weapon or a stronger constitution.

1 pogo stick + 1 slide= 1 knocked out tooth

One of the many children who hang out here spent the night Saturday. She and Huck were outside playing and she ran in the house spitting blood,proudly showing me the tooth in her hand (she's 8, and thanks be, the tooth was very loose). I asked her what happened and she gave a big gap tooth smile and said "Well, I was going down the slide on the Pogo stick and I fell on my face."

When I told this story to Sweet Bruhver, he said "Country kids are built to last. Just try and kill' em."

Fay

I know that Tropical Storm Fay is wreaking havoc elsewhere, but here at Nestlewood, she is making things positively blissful. The temps are about 15 degrees below normal (which means it's 80 degrees just now) and it has been raining on and off for 2 whole days, with more to come. Right now it's "rainin' like pourin' pee out of a boot" (one of my Mama's sayings), while candles scent the air, lamps glow and books are being read.

Incidentally, Fay is my mama's middle name. Chris' mom's middle name too.

Is $160 per week out of control?

How much do you spend on food? As Nestlewood is about 15 miles from the nearest reasonably sized town, we eat almost exclusively from home. Chris works nights, and nothing is open in the wee small hours, so I pack enough food to last him a 12 hour shift. Coffee is brewed at home, not bought from Starbucks, and the Drive-Thru is almost never frequented. We don't hit local bars, and we go to a sit down restaurant maybe every six weeks. It isn't that we are trying to be conscientious so much that everything is just too damned far.

I spend about $160 per week at Kroger or Foodland. I avoid the Dark Lord Waldemart as often as possible. Since I feed two kids + all their friends, a health freak husband and my own self and often fix a plate for Chris' mom who lives on our land, I think that's pretty good. Especially when one considers that I am often a short order cook, because the kids and I won't eat the stuff Chris likes and I don't like the stuff the kids like, it often means that I prepare 2-3 different meals, 2-3 times per day. When I throw in the 12 hours worth of food I send to work with Chris, that can easily add another 2-3 medium to small meals and snacks to prep.

Is that reasonable? Or am I kidding myself and that's actually outrageous?

A Moment of Peace is Worth Every War Behind Us

This morning at 4 am, Chris was asleep with the dog cuddled up against his hairy belly. Lina and Huck were cuddled together in her bed. I stood on the back deck and prayed while the full moon shone down on me. It was so quiet that all I could hear were the night creatures-owls, crickets, frogs, katydids and whippoorwills. It was 64 degrees.

I gave thanks for that moment, thanks from every molecule of me.

Magical Mama

The kids were eating a snack in Lina's room with the door closed. As milk was part of the snack and Huck ran to the kitchen to get a straw, I waited a few beats and said "Quit blowing milk bubbles". Lina and Huck screamed with laughter and disbelief, demanding to know how I knew they were blowing milk bubbles. I told them it was all part of my magical mama powers and that they should be very afraid.

I Passed my National Board Exam!

Yay! College degree? Check. National Registration? Check. No. More. Studying.

The Coding test for a job possibility has been rescheduled by the facility so I have unexpected freedom tomorrow.

You know what I'm going to do? Once the kids are off to school, I'm going to take a nice long early morning walk, with Harry Potter and the Half Blood Prince in my iPod. Then I'm going to start my first quilt since late 2005. It's going to be a throw size and it will be in some really cute retro Halloween fabric that I've been staring longingly at for 2 1/2 years.

Praise and Thanks Be to All that is Good and Holy

The chirrin start back to school today. We now officially have a 5th grader and a 3rd grader.

Lina has been experimenting with hairstyles and outfits for three days now.She's chosen a retro mod dress with some white sandals and she wants me to roll her hair this morning.

I'm trying to talk Huck into wearing some jeans without holes in the knees and a T shirt that does not have the sleeves ripped off, and to at least wet his hair so he doesn't go to school with bed head.

I shall drop them off this morning with their wagonloads of school supplies, zip to the grocery store for snacks and wine and come home and celebrate with Chris, who has the day off!

Geez, Woman

Me: "Huck, if you are going to sleep in here, then you need to clean off and make up the bed". What does Huck do? He stands on the comforter with a bland look on his face, as though he has no idea why I'm irritated. I say, "This is the last time I will tell you. Clean off and make the bed." He says "Geez, Woman!" and then does it at a snail's pace.

I say "I don't like being Mean Mama. The solution? You do what you are told, the first time you are told to do it, and you do not have to see Mean Mama. Stop pushing my buttons." To which Huck replies "The only button you have is a belly button and I didn't push it."

I buried him in a shallow grave in the woods.

Testing

I took another 4 hour Coding test for a job interview on Friday and made an 83! This puts me in the running for the job. The Director of Health Information will not even consider anyone who scored less than 80. She is still interviewing, and of course I don't want to do or say anything to jinx anyone else, but I would really like to have this job.

Also, I have to take my National Board exam on the 11th of August. I've been studying and taking online practice tests, and so far I'm doing okay, but I have lots of anxiety about it. For one thing, I had to pay a $215 fee, and I'd really like that to be money well spent.

The kids start back to school on August 7, and I'm really excited about that. I've just about had enough of being the neighborhood mom. I had 4 kids yesterday and will have 4 today. The heat index is going to be around 110,and just now the humidity is 72% so it isn't as though I can throw them out in the yard.

The more I think about it, the more convinced I am that there are 2 reasons why I don't have a job yet: 1. The right one wasn't there for me 2. I needed to be home with the kids this summer because Chris has worked an average of 60 night shift hours per week, which could not be helped due to staffing issues.

Now that school is about to begin again, I hope the Universe will take into consideration that this would be perfect timing for that perfect job.

PS, I really wish I was stacked like that spacegirl pinup in the kitsch of the week!

Stormy Weather

Know what this is? The roots of a 60' white oak tree. We had a storm yesterday that ripped it up! The tree was 5 feet in diameter and old as Methuselah. It shaded the kids' trampoline.


Oh, wait, that is no longer an issue, because, look at the trampoline!




It also destroyed the lean-to of the shed, which housed the lawn mower.








But you know what? If that tree had fallen 20 feet to the East, it would have crashed into the bedroom where Chris was sleeping. 20 feet to the Southeast, and it would have been in Lina's room, where she and Huck were playing. So, it is well with my soul.

Hot and Wet, and not in a good way

It's 101 degrees today, with a heat index of 105. I'm just sayin'.

Ode to a Tomato Sandwich, an original poem by AZ

Oh, thee of Summer's gestation
thou makest blisters on my tongue
This mortal vessel cannot get enough
of your perfection

You perch soulfully on the green vine
such a fragrance
Shall you be consumed alone
or with other ripe fruit?

Wheat bread, your deep-toned countenance
the nutty, oat-y taste of you
How well you blend with the nnaise of the mayo

Oh, verdant Basil
growing in the Sun
So spicy and energizing
What combinations with tomato wilt thou create?

Make Your Hair Curl

The humidity right now is 95%. Really and Truly. The forecasted high today is 92, but of course it will be more than that. It's so hot that I won't let my kids play outside between 11AM and 4PM, unless they promise to liberally douse one another with the water hose. Of course, this is Alabama in July. You know what? It's only going to get hotter.

Don't you imagine that Scarlett O'Hara was all kinds of stanky? No air conditioning, then throw in petticoats, hoopskirts, chemise and brocade, silks and ruffles.

And she couldn't show her bosom before 3 o'clock!