This evening the role of Ozzie will be played by AZ and by Chris. The role of Harriet will also be played by both AZ and Chris.

I am the queen of Chris' world right now, and he is showing me the appropriate adulation.

In less than a month, he leaves for a 3 week solo trip to Europe. He will spend the majority of his time in Germany, but is also going to drop by a few other countries since they are a mere train ride away.

I shall toil here as a single mom with a full time job. Right now I am a part time single mom with a full time job. Chris is at Nestlewood 3 1/2 days per week and at his out of town job the other 3 1/2.

He is so grateful to me for my support in his daddy/husband sabbatical, that he is being even more considerate than usual. He's such a perfect 1950s housewife when he's home and I'm working. During the day, he goes to the gym and has coffee with friends and goes to German class at a local university. Afterwards, he will run errands and do things like buy groceries or pop by the post office.

He has a glass of wine poured and chilling for me when I walk in the door. Supper is cooking and he says cliche things to the kids like "Your mother is tired and stressed. Keep the noise level down". There are often bouquets of autumn leaves and wildflowers, freshly cut, in the kitchen when I get home. He always makes sure he has some yummy smelling candles burning.

But I'm the perfect housewife too. I made the yummy smelling candles and I plan and oversee birthday parties and weekend company for the kids. I plan for his time out of town by making soup and things that he can take with him so he doesn't have to subsist on hospital food. Also, I will put out in a New York minute even if I don't particularly want any.

I bring home the bacon and, 1/2 the week, I fry it up in a pan. So does Chris. We genderbend on a daily basis. It works for us.

Not something one hears everyday

This is the exact phone conversation between me and Sweet Bruhver earlier this evening.

SB: Hello Sweetheart
AZ: Hey Hunny Bunny
SB: Listen, I can't really talk just now because we are about to be inducted into the Classical Music Hall of Fame.
AZ: laughter Oh, okay. Later, then.

Happy Birthday Thumbelina

Eleven years old today. How did this happen?

Have I mentioned I have an addictive personality?

My current obsession is chess. I had no idea how to play until Lina taught me how while we were on the cruise. We had so much fun that we decided to buy our own, and, naturally, no set other than a Harry Potter set would do, so I hunted around on eBay until I found one for a reasonable price. It came in the mail last week and we play all the time.

Either I am not very good at chess, or my children are geniuses. Probably both. Lina beat me twice yesterday and today I taught Huck how to play and I barely beat him. That particular game was 40 minutes of me trying to out think the boy!

Lina has a great poker face. She lets me think I'm all amazing by taking out her pawns when she is watching and planning three moves ahead. I lose to her before I even know I am danger of it. By the time she says "check", I'm locked and she's got me.

All together, in just one day, between Lina and me, Huck and me, and Lina and Huck, there were 8 games of chess played at Nestlewood. It's a good thing I am not the only spaz around here.

Survivor!

I chaperoned 6 tween girls for a slumber party last night and have lived to tell the tale. Barely.

Lina will be 11 this week and she wanted to have her party at a hotel with a heated pool. So, I booked a suite at the Holiday Inn. A mom of one of the daughters stayed as well, and she snored so loudly I wanted to cry. We were in a living room type part of the suite, and the girls were in the bedroom part. There was no way I could sleep through her snoring, so I took the cushions off the couch and laid them in the room with the girls and curled up there. Within minutes one of the girls was yelling in her sleep, in a language that I am not sure has been invented yet. She did this periodically all night, but it was better than the snoring, because it was at least intermittent instead of constant. No one else was disturbed (ah, to be able to sleep like a child!) so I dozed off again. To be awakened by snoring. The other mom! It was so loud! I had even shut the door between the two rooms, turned the A/C on high and everything! So I got up and moved to the other side of the room and got into the bed next to Lina, who was sharing with 2 other girls-I had perhaps 4 square inches of mattress to myself. Nevertheless, so desperate for sleep was I that I quickly dozed off, only to be awakened within moments of Lina's snoring in my ear.

Law! To make a long story short, I slept perhaps 20 minutes last night, am $200 poorer than I was (counting the pizza, room, cake, etc..) but my daughter and all her friends had such a wonderful time that they didn't want it to end "pleasepleasepleasedon'tmakeusgohomeyetwecangotochucke
cheeseorsomething!!!"

Yeah. Right.

Telling it like it is?

I think I just may win the mama of the year prize for this one. The kids and I were grocery shopping and Lina was crossing the things off my list as we threw them in the buggy. I asked her to tell me what all was left. She read everything aloud, but then muttered "tampons" where only we could hear. Huck then said at his normal 25 decibels, "Oh yeah, those things you put in your coochie when you're on your period".

Nice.

More Poetry from Huckleberry

Sing this to the tune of R. Kelly's "I Believe I Can Fly"

I believed I could fly
But I got shot by the FBI
All I wanted was a chicken wing
That I could get from Burger King

This was waiting for me in the backyard when I got home from work today!

Every year Chris gives me a Happy Fall gift, but this year he really outdid himself. The kids wanted to be a part of the gift too, so they made me a sign in autumn colors.

I have the best family in the world.

Love Actually

One of my favorite parts of being on the ship was having the opportunity to watch so many happy people. There were traditional families and there were non traditional families. There were straight couples and gay couples.

I like to study body language. For example, there were two ladies who were together all the time. One was a statuesque 6 foot tall beauty, and her companion was a 5 feet tall beautiful black lady. They never left each other's side, and even shared cigarettes. There was a couple with a 5 month old baby. Dad was napping in the sun, Mom was reading a paperback, and the baby was asleep between the mom's calves.

There was one couple, two men, who were sharing the same lounge chair, laughing and singing along while the marimba player played "Lady Marmalade". Their body language was beautiful because they were so deeply in love.

I watched a 70 something year old man limp out of the water in Mexico while his wife steadied him so he wouldn't fall. I watched children make new friends in the swimming pools on the ship.

There were friends who had known each other forever and were taking a trip together. There were daughters of all ages with their mothers, and sons of all ages with their fathers, as well as mothers and sons and fathers and daughters. There was a lady my age with Down's Syndrome who needed help getting out of the hot tub, and there were people everywhere willing to help her.

There was Huck coming up behind me to touch my hair while I read, Lina randomly deciding that I needed a hug. There was Chris squeezing my hand for no reason other than he was glad that I was there beside him.

Love actually is all around us

Eye Candy

Chris, having his morning coffee

Sunrise over the Western Carribean Sea

Chess board on the Lido deck. Lina and I couldn't get enough of this!

Bon Voyage

We are cruising to Mexico. Ike shouldn't be a problem for us. See you in a week!

Genetics

This is me.



This is my mom.

We have the exact same smile.

What must his teachers think of us?

Huck brought home a notebook in which he was practicing his writing and creativity. Here is his entry:

Yanky doodle went to mars riding on a rocket
stuck his head up his butt and saw some hershys choklate
Yanky doodle keep it up yanky doodle dandy
all the work that you have done and now you'll get some candy

A Moment of Peace is Worth Every War Behind Us

This morning at 4 am, Chris was asleep with the dog cuddled up against his hairy belly. Lina and Huck were cuddled together in her bed. I stood on the back deck and prayed while the full moon shone down on me. It was so quiet that all I could hear were the night creatures-owls, crickets, frogs, katydids and whippoorwills. It was 64 degrees.

I gave thanks for that moment, thanks from every molecule of me.

Magical Mama

The kids were eating a snack in Lina's room with the door closed. As milk was part of the snack and Huck ran to the kitchen to get a straw, I waited a few beats and said "Quit blowing milk bubbles". Lina and Huck screamed with laughter and disbelief, demanding to know how I knew they were blowing milk bubbles. I told them it was all part of my magical mama powers and that they should be very afraid.

Geez, Woman

Me: "Huck, if you are going to sleep in here, then you need to clean off and make up the bed". What does Huck do? He stands on the comforter with a bland look on his face, as though he has no idea why I'm irritated. I say, "This is the last time I will tell you. Clean off and make the bed." He says "Geez, Woman!" and then does it at a snail's pace.

I say "I don't like being Mean Mama. The solution? You do what you are told, the first time you are told to do it, and you do not have to see Mean Mama. Stop pushing my buttons." To which Huck replies "The only button you have is a belly button and I didn't push it."

I buried him in a shallow grave in the woods.

I Am From...

I am from cedar paneling, from Doral cigarettes and Fords.
I am from a small green house on the edge of a small town, with red and white linoleum floors, a woodburning stove and bunkbeds in the room I shared with my brother.
I am from buttercups, pine trees and red clay. I am from music
and short people, from Jim and Eloise and Bessie.
I am from strong personalities and strong cheekbones.
I’m from “the devil is beatin’ his wife with a dishrag” and “I’ll knock you nekkid and hide your clothes".
I am from Fundamentalist Baptists, blue collar workers
and boot leggers.
I'm from the Appalachian foothills, fried chicken, milk gravy and biscuits.I'm from Granny,who kept a goat named Jayko and ducks named Willie and Charlie, and who could fix her car with a cigarette hanging out of her mouth, who poured her coffee into a saucer to let it cool before drinking it. I'm from Daddy, who built tires, picked his guitar and watched the news.
I'm from Mama, who wrote the church Christmas plays and who made candied apples for the Halloween Carnival.
I am from Sunday dinners at Mamaw and Papaw's. I'm from making up and acting out stories, and from drawing on the pavement with chalk on long summer days. I’m from photographs taken with love. I'm from laughter, from pain, and from people who did and are still doing their very best.

What's in a Name?

I was thinking today about names. Now, Thumbelina and Huckleberry? Yeah, not their real names. Those names suit their personalities, but have nothing to do with their actual birth certificate names.

When Lina was in my womb, we considered many names for her. We considered Madelyn, Walden(a family name) and Laurel. I recently told her those options and she said "Walden? Yuck! I'm so glad you didn't name me Walden!"

With Huck, we considered Walden (we were going to call him Walt), Atticus (To Kill a Mockingbird), Augustus(Lonesome Dove) and Seth.

I was talking to Chris about this earlier tonight, and of course he had to go all obtuse on my ass and talk about how "we, as humans connect with our names and our gender and our job title. But, in the scope of the universe, names have very little to do with what we are, really: a facet of the Deity." I promise, he hadn't a single mushroom or mary j. This is just the world in which he lives.

drama

Chris got a new prescription to help with his back pain. (Have I mentioned that he is in moderate to severe pain 24/7?) This morning at about 4 am, he came to bed and said that his back was perfect; no pain at all. Wow! Yay!

Unfortunately, he had an adverse reaction to the wonderdrug by 5 am and we had to go the the ER this morning to combat the reaction. He was in such bad shape on the way to the hospital that I put the caution lights on in the car and drove 75 mph in 45 mph zones, and ran stop signs and red lights. He was that bad off. It occurred to me, while I was wrecklessly driving that perhaps we should have called an ambulance, but as we live 20 miles from everywhere, I knew I could get him to the hospital faster than an ambulance could get to us.

The doctors hopefully fixed him, and he is sleeping now, at home, though I have been just spastic enough to go and check to make sure he is breathing. He will be fine, but we are going to flush that wonderdrug down the toilet!

Testing

I took another 4 hour Coding test for a job interview on Friday and made an 83! This puts me in the running for the job. The Director of Health Information will not even consider anyone who scored less than 80. She is still interviewing, and of course I don't want to do or say anything to jinx anyone else, but I would really like to have this job.

Also, I have to take my National Board exam on the 11th of August. I've been studying and taking online practice tests, and so far I'm doing okay, but I have lots of anxiety about it. For one thing, I had to pay a $215 fee, and I'd really like that to be money well spent.

The kids start back to school on August 7, and I'm really excited about that. I've just about had enough of being the neighborhood mom. I had 4 kids yesterday and will have 4 today. The heat index is going to be around 110,and just now the humidity is 72% so it isn't as though I can throw them out in the yard.

The more I think about it, the more convinced I am that there are 2 reasons why I don't have a job yet: 1. The right one wasn't there for me 2. I needed to be home with the kids this summer because Chris has worked an average of 60 night shift hours per week, which could not be helped due to staffing issues.

Now that school is about to begin again, I hope the Universe will take into consideration that this would be perfect timing for that perfect job.

PS, I really wish I was stacked like that spacegirl pinup in the kitsch of the week!