This evening the role of Ozzie will be played by AZ and by Chris. The role of Harriet will also be played by both AZ and Chris.

I am the queen of Chris' world right now, and he is showing me the appropriate adulation.

In less than a month, he leaves for a 3 week solo trip to Europe. He will spend the majority of his time in Germany, but is also going to drop by a few other countries since they are a mere train ride away.

I shall toil here as a single mom with a full time job. Right now I am a part time single mom with a full time job. Chris is at Nestlewood 3 1/2 days per week and at his out of town job the other 3 1/2.

He is so grateful to me for my support in his daddy/husband sabbatical, that he is being even more considerate than usual. He's such a perfect 1950s housewife when he's home and I'm working. During the day, he goes to the gym and has coffee with friends and goes to German class at a local university. Afterwards, he will run errands and do things like buy groceries or pop by the post office.

He has a glass of wine poured and chilling for me when I walk in the door. Supper is cooking and he says cliche things to the kids like "Your mother is tired and stressed. Keep the noise level down". There are often bouquets of autumn leaves and wildflowers, freshly cut, in the kitchen when I get home. He always makes sure he has some yummy smelling candles burning.

But I'm the perfect housewife too. I made the yummy smelling candles and I plan and oversee birthday parties and weekend company for the kids. I plan for his time out of town by making soup and things that he can take with him so he doesn't have to subsist on hospital food. Also, I will put out in a New York minute even if I don't particularly want any.

I bring home the bacon and, 1/2 the week, I fry it up in a pan. So does Chris. We genderbend on a daily basis. It works for us.

The Hidden Joys of Barely Keeping Your Head Above Water

With all of this financial upheaval in the country, folks with money are getting scared. This is probably one of the biggest advantages to not having any. The other, of course, being, that you have nothing to steal.

We aren't pitiful dirt poor. Chris has a good job, making middle class (for Alabama) income, and now I have one too, assuming I get to keep it after my 90 day evaluation. I drive a 7 year old car, Chris drives a 10 year old truck and we have a 22 year old house. We don't have a savings account (scandalous, I know), none of us are label 'hos, so we're all okay that we get by on less than $40 bucks an outfit (less for the kids since we have so many friends and family with children older than ours who hand stuff down to us). We are the type of people who will happily spend money on travel, but will keep our furniture and electronics until they let out a weak squeal before they give up the ghost. We do have a 401K, and I'm sure it's looking pretty thin today, but I trust this country enough to know that it will recover, so I'm not really worried. I trust it so much that, after my 90 day evaluation, when I am eligible, I will start a 401K of my own.

Financial straights are relative. Compared to some, we are filthy stinkin' rich, for the simple reason that we aren't on welfare (though we have been before). Compared to others, our financial situation is so precarious they would need to be in the psyche ward to cope with it.

For the most part, I figure as long as we aren't lazy and are willing to work, and as long as we aren't selfish and are willing to give back, everything will work out in the end.

If I was a rich girl. Na na na na na na na na na na na na na na na

See I'd have all the money in the world
If I was a wealthy girl

I got my first paycheck and I paid the house payment all by my very own self.

Love. Angel. Money. Baby.

It don't mean a thing if it aint got that bling

I like bling. Sequins, lace, crystals, beads, embroidery, 4 inch heels and red lipstick. I keep a compact and two extra lipsticks in my desk.

My work look makes me feel sexy. Today I wore a ruffled top with wide leg tan slacks, ginormous silver hoop earrings and my hair in a up do. This particular top is the only one I have that I can wear my hair in an up do, because it has a ruffle that goes up the back of my neck that covers up my tat.

You know what I do while I get ready for work? I crank up my CD player to the point that the kids close themselves off in their rooms and the dog hides under the bed, and I sing my little heart out. This morning it was Air Supply.

The Rediscovery of Saturday

Before I was a college student, candlemaking homemaker, I was a bartender or a waitress. For about 5 years I worked at various hotel bars, myriad Cracker Barrels, Ruby Tuesday's, Applebee's and the local restaurant my mom used to run, but mainly for the restaurant designed for the seafood lover in you, Red Lobster. This means from 1994 until, well, today, Saturday wasn't an official day off work. As a homemaker I just took care of stuff as it needed to be addressed. As a candlemaker, the day of the week didn't mean anything; if I had an order to fill, I did it. As a bartender or waitress, of course, Saturday was my most exhausting of the week. My feet would almost be numb from the pain by the time I got home from work, and to this day, I have the varicose veins in my legs to show for all those hours.

Now, though, I get to feel like I am part of the demographic for which restaurant commercials are made. You know, the "You've worked hard all week so come in to some drinks and good food at _______ restaurant chain." It's a pretty cool feeling.

Of course, I am not actually going to go to one of those restaurants tonight because that would involve getting out of my jammies and actually cranking the car, which I have vowed I will not do today. Tomorrow will be my errand day. Since most people here in the Bible Belt spend their Sundays in church and I don't, it means I can be in and out of the grocery store in about 30 minutes. Then I can come home and do more of my favorite thing of all, jackshit, until Monday morning when I go back to my wonderful job.

But today, I will read, watch some Charmed, stitch and play with my iPod.

It's So Great!

When I switched my college major from Nursing to Health Informatics, I imagined a job in a small hospital. I hoped for a daily workload of enough to keep me busy, but not so much to overwhelm me. I hoped to never ever have to touch patients or their body fluids. I wanted a hidey hole of my own in which I control the temperature and the music, nice co-workers, good benefits, a good paycheck, self esteem in knowing my stuff. I wanted decent hours where I could still take my kids to school in the morning and be off with them on the weekends.

I now have that job. Yay! Praise and Thanks Be!

First Day of Work

Tumble outta bed
And stumble to the kitchen
Pour myself a cup of ambition
Yawnin' stretchin', try to come to life
Jump in the shower
And the blood starts pumpin
Out on the streets
The traffic starts jumpin
And folks like me on the job from 9 to 5

I'm going to look so cute today. I'm wearing black wide leg slacks, 4 inch platform sandals, a black lycra undergarment thingy under a sheerish (but not at all slutty) top with red and black polka dots. I will also wear my silver and crystal watch (a graduation gift from my daddy) silver hoop earrings, and my hair will be held back at the nape of my neck with a marcosite barrette.

With my first paycheck, I am going to buy another work outfit (since I only have 3 pairs of pants) and a small set of speakers for my iPod so that I can have my music at work with me.

I'm a little jittery this morning. I got up at a little after 3AM after dreaming about work all night.

Guess What

IgotajobIgotajobIgotaJob! The offer was made yesterday afternoon, for about 6K more per year than I was expecting. The hours are M-F 8-4:30 and the hospital is about 20 minutes from my house. I will have my very own office with my very own bathroom! It's a low volume hospital (about 150 beds). I will be Coding about 85% of the time and whatever else needs to be done the other 15%. I went today for my drug test and background check, but since I don't do drugs and have no criminal record, it should be fine.

AND! Back in February, we used our tax refund and booked a family cruise to Mexico for the 3rd week of September. So within just a couple of weeks of starting work, I will immediately have to take 4 days off. The boss said that since it was prebooked and I told her ahead of time, it's fine, and that if I need to, I can come in the weekend after we return to get caught up. Wow!

I'm so tickled, but I keep waiting for someone to call me and say "Psyche!" Chris said "It isn't as though this is just a good karma gift from the Universe. You have worked your ass off for three years with no breaks to get to this point."

True, but I'm just so overwhelmingly grateful and thrilled it just doesn't seem possible that I'm really going to be paid good money to do something I enjoy doing!

I Passed my National Board Exam!

Yay! College degree? Check. National Registration? Check. No. More. Studying.

The Coding test for a job possibility has been rescheduled by the facility so I have unexpected freedom tomorrow.

You know what I'm going to do? Once the kids are off to school, I'm going to take a nice long early morning walk, with Harry Potter and the Half Blood Prince in my iPod. Then I'm going to start my first quilt since late 2005. It's going to be a throw size and it will be in some really cute retro Halloween fabric that I've been staring longingly at for 2 1/2 years.

Waaa!

I heard from another job today. Even though I passed their 3 hour coding test, I didn't get the job. I now officially have a complex.

But I have hope. I take my National Board exam on Monday and another 3 hour Coding test for a different hospital on Tuesday.

Testing

I took another 4 hour Coding test for a job interview on Friday and made an 83! This puts me in the running for the job. The Director of Health Information will not even consider anyone who scored less than 80. She is still interviewing, and of course I don't want to do or say anything to jinx anyone else, but I would really like to have this job.

Also, I have to take my National Board exam on the 11th of August. I've been studying and taking online practice tests, and so far I'm doing okay, but I have lots of anxiety about it. For one thing, I had to pay a $215 fee, and I'd really like that to be money well spent.

The kids start back to school on August 7, and I'm really excited about that. I've just about had enough of being the neighborhood mom. I had 4 kids yesterday and will have 4 today. The heat index is going to be around 110,and just now the humidity is 72% so it isn't as though I can throw them out in the yard.

The more I think about it, the more convinced I am that there are 2 reasons why I don't have a job yet: 1. The right one wasn't there for me 2. I needed to be home with the kids this summer because Chris has worked an average of 60 night shift hours per week, which could not be helped due to staffing issues.

Now that school is about to begin again, I hope the Universe will take into consideration that this would be perfect timing for that perfect job.

PS, I really wish I was stacked like that spacegirl pinup in the kitsch of the week!

Get Your Hair Did

As I've been blue as a Smurf lately, I woke up Saturday morning with a purpose in my stride. Maybe I couldn't make anyone hire me, but I could get my hair did. I got my layers trimmed, and had my hair covered with a deep, rich, dark chocolate color that will gradually fade to mahogany. My curls are positively bouyant!

Also, I am a size 10 now. I'm usually a teeny weenie size 6. What can I say, I am a stress eater. But my tits are fabulous; I'm nearly a C cup. My tits can salute the flag! When I am a size 6, they are like fried eggs on my chest, not quite an A cup. I asked Chris what he thought. Should I get back down to a 6 and have teeny boobs or stay where I am and keep the jugs?

God/dess love him, this was his answer: "If I could gain some pounds and have a bigger cock? Hell, yeah, I'd keep the big cock!"

I heard from both of my best job hopes today. Nobody wants me.

Insomnia, Party of Two

I'm going on an interview tomorrow (well, in about 4 hours actually). The hospital is about 15 miles from home, but when home is Nestlewood, which is on the back 40 of everywhere, 15 miles is "just next door".

The thing is, I have to take another 3 hour test. People. Did I or did I not just graduate Cum Laude with a freakin' degree? Why must I keep taking all these tests? I want to work in the Medical Records department of a hospital. Medical. Records. I will save no lives, the fate of the world will not rest on my shoulders. WTF with all these tests? And? And!! I have a national board exam scheduled for August 11, as if I didn't have enough tests to worry about!

Oh, law! You know what else? Sure, I am an insomniac, but now Huck is too. It's 3AM and I'm piddling at the computer, hoping I will get sleepy sometime in the near future, and I hear the pitter patter of his feet. He woke up and came to my room to crawl in the bed with me and couldn't find me. Understand, now, Lina and Pebbles (my dog) were already in my bed, having awakened to find Mama. Chris works 3rd shift, so I called him while he was at work and started the conversation with "why do I have to keep taking these freakin' tests?" To which he replied "Honey-darlin-sweetie-love. It's 3 in the morning." And then the phone rang in his department and he had to go and save someone's life, so I was on my own.

Oh, wait, I'm not on my own. Huck just came to me and said that he will just watch TV until I come back to bed. My reply? "Okay, just not Adult Swim", which he says is hilarious...Did I mention it's 3AM?

The whole reason I woke up in the first place is because I was dreaming of serial killers who knocked on doors in the middle of the night. Whoever answered was their next victim. Unfortunately, I and an intern from the TV show "ER" (which I haven't watched since Dr. Greene died) answered the door and were naive enough to go with them when they said they needed help. Then the killers proceeded to paint our faces with some sort of plaster medium to preserve them as death masks.

And I'm having a hot flash. The area under my boobs is soaked, as is my scalp. And my crotch, and my nightgown, for that matter.

A Leading Lady

I often indulge myself with Autumn and Winter movies this time of year. It helps me get through the months of temps in the 90s, because I am NOT a hot weather person. Why I live in Alabama is often beyond me. Honestly, the high today in Inverness, Scotland is 55*F. That's just about perfect.

Anyhoo, I have been a big boil of depression, just waiting to burst. No job, everyone dumps their children on me. I averaged 5 a day last week. I actually prepared 15 plates per day for all these kids, not counting the Popsicles and apple juice and Kool Aid and snacks! What am I, a lunchroom lady?

So, I'm watching The Holiday and Kate Winslet's character realizes that she is playing the part of the "best friend" in the movie of her life, instead of the "leading lady". Well, hell.

Come.To.Jesus. That is exactly what I am doing. I'm waiting on Dream Job to call me, rather than sending out more resumes. I'm wallowing and blue. No more. Nay! I shall take today to rest and indulge, recover from my past few days of bleak. Tomorrow, the proverbial pavement and I are ONE.

Best Friend no longer. I am jumping back in to my luminescent personality, as a Leading Lady.

Nobody Loves Me, Everybody Hates me, I Think I'll Eat Some Worms

I STILL don't have a job! What's up with that? My self esteem is currently crossing the Styx.

I have been so neurotic the past week or so. Between the staph infection, the monthly girly hormones and the job angst, I am positively toxic.

Sucking the Marrow out of Down-time

I read my cards at the April full moon. I don't often read my my own cards, because, to me, Tarot is for understanding one's own inner workings, and I think I'm pretty good at doing that on a daily basis. But in April, just a few weeks before I finished college and whilst I was wanting Dream Job so much, I turned to my cards.

In a nutshell, my cards said I was the Hanged Man:

suspending action
pausing to reflect
feeling outside of time
taking time to just be
giving up urgency
living in the moment
waiting for the best opportunity

I have done what needs to be done; I have the applications out there and have been on three interviews. Until I get a call for one of these jobs, I'm hanging out at Nestlewood, resting, reading, sewing, watching movies, cooking, spending time with my kids, and all of the above at the same time.

Jack Be Nimble Jack Be Quick, Jack Go Under Limbo Stick

Limbo, n. pl. lim·bos
1. often Limbo Roman Catholic Church The abode of unbaptized but innocent or righteous souls, as those of infants or virtuous individuals who lived before the coming of Christ.
2. A region or condition of oblivion or neglect: Management kept her promotion in limbo for months.
3. A state or place of confinement.
4. An intermediate place or state.

I went on an interview with Dream Job yesterday. I should hear something by the end of next week. When the Director of Health Information called me to interview, it made me so giddy that Chris and I just had to jump up and down, with him saying "You SO have this job", and then, "OMG you SO have this job!"

Today was the interview. When I sat down in the director's office, she smiled at me and said "I have to ask you standard interview questions and write down your answers".

What does that mean? Does it mean the job is mine and she just has to go through the formalities? At one point in the interview (which lasted about 40 minutes) she laughed and said "You tickle me", which, in Southern-ese means "you are so funny".

Oh, law! I have to wait a week!

Applications and Interviews

I put in 6 applications yesterday and signed up with a recruiter. I got a call yesterday afternoon to schedule an interview for this morning at 9 am.

Maybe this will be the one :-).

Well, Hell

I didn't get the job. No one did. The lady that was set to leave the hospital decided not to leave after all. She had already done the drug screen, orientation, etc..., but decided, at the 11th hour not to take the position at MegaHospital. And, no, I'm not eligible for the $21 per hour position at MegaHospital. They only hire those with experience. And, yes, I have an application and resume in with MegaHospital, just in case they change their policy.

!@#$%^&

FWIW, the director of the department at Dream Job said that she had been planning on hiring me. For what it's worth.

So, tomorrow morning, I'm going to punch the proverbial clock as soon as the kids get off to school. I'm going to tweak my resume, compose a fabulous cover letter and get out the phone book. I will proposition every hospital, doctor's office, dentist office, nursing home, home health agency, whatever I need to do.

I just have to say. This sucks ass. Sideways.